Turning Over

Though this blog's the subtitle is Peek into the Window of my Soul, I haven't written much about my inner journey for quite a while. Usually, I allow my art, humor, and photography to speak for me. However, I am a writer as well. So today, I write.

Twenty-six  years ago on a late October afternoon, I left my first husband. I took my two babies in diapers and went to live in a woman's shelter. Scared. Anxious. Without a plan. Feeling like a complete failure. My marriage failed. My dreams failed. My career failed. Even with a college degree, the full-time job I eventually secured paid only $600 per month.

This afternoon, a quarter century after that life-changing day, I completed my Fearless Living course. What is designed to take readers one year to complete, took me six years. Slow and steady gets me where I need to go. I learned  much; I had so much to learn!

When I started Fearless Living, I was lost in the mental jumble that is the aftermath of a hypo-manic episode. That was quite a deep hole filled with self-doubts and shaky identity. I can now accept who I am because I finally know who I am. I no longer believe anyone else's definition of me - or accusation about me. I've done the hard internal work. It's been quite a journey.



Looking back at October of '87, I see that 30 year old single mom was already courageous. She just didn't know it.

She did have some confidence in her skills, but she didn't know quite how to demonstrate them effectively to others. She was a singer, but didn't have a voice. She could stand up for her kids, but was very wobbly when trying to stand up for herself.

She was generous in spirit - even to her ex who accused her of things that were simply not true.

Today, the 55 year old me is overflowing with gratitude. I thank the God that I've come to know, the Spirit of life and love, for guiding me to this new turning point.

I'm grateful for my husband Dale's steadfastness and humor that have have given me a rope to hold onto and a reason to hold on.

I'm grateful for the counseling help I received from Bonnie M, from AlAnon, and from Cathi M. They taught me to re-frame my life experiences in much the same way that I can re-frame a photo in my camera's viewfinder. It's the same subject matter, but from a different point of view. These counselors helped me understand my biological mental challenges so that I can work within my limitations to forge my own version of success.

I'm grateful for the Aura of Awesome, for the Gauntlettes, and for my other female friends who listen to me daily and share their lives with me. They are counselors of a different sort.

I'm grateful for authors who share their wisdom through the written word, especially the authors of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Self Matters, Boundaries, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, and Fearless Living. By taking my time and working through the exercises in these books deliberately, I've had many Ah-Ha! Moments. I've even learned that I can gain insight from a book that I didn't like at all.

I'm grateful to The Flylady, Marla Cilley. Her voice and essays wash over me in a firm-but-loving way. She encourages all us "flybabies" to get off our frannies and do something about our living situation, rather than allowing life challenges to run us over. Because of Flylady's decade of mentoring, I've become a better homemaker, a better mom and a better human. She is the living embodiment of her lessons in how to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself so that you can care for your family without burnout.

It's been quite a journey.

I am incredibly grateful to know that I am a charmed artist whose soul can sing - and can affect those in my circle of influence with light and joy.