It's Your Choice

The next little story is sort of related to this quote.

When I was growing up, the dirty little secret in our family was just how much my mom and dad fought. They could go at it all night. And I couldn't sleep for listening to them and being scared of the possible consequences. Since I didn't get enough sleep, I'd doze off in class at school.

But I couldn't tell anyone WHY I was so tired. I couldn't betray the family secret.

What I did instead was find some married couples at church to watch. I'd see how they treated each other. I found three in particular that were great examples for me. One was the gal that ran the religious education program and her husband that liked to work behind the scenes. Another was the parents of my best friend. The third were an older couple whom I adopted as my godparents.

What all these couples had in common was an ability to work together and find mostly peaceful methods to solve their conflicts. It's not that they were conflict-free! But they negotiated. They talked. They made room for each other. They didn't scream at each other. And I saw these couples work things out over years of observation.

That was the spirit and image of marriage that I held dear. That was the kind of marriage I wanted.

Well, I missed my mark the first time. I didn't have that spirit of give and take in my first marriage. That marriage didn't last very long, either.

But I took my time the second time. I got to know my husband for two years before we tied the knot. And our whole relationship was based on little miniature verbal contracts that we made with each other. We've known each other 19 years now, married 17. We still make those mini contracts.

We've been through some tough stuff including the deaths of three parents and a sibling. Buying a house and remodeling it. Some health concerns for ourselves and our children, too. And that spirit of give and take gets us through.

It's so important to choose who and what to love very carefully. Once found ... develop the habit of holding them dear.