It's Getting Personal

I'm going through a thing.

I've referenced it before, here on my blog. Now it's reaching a different stage. For the last year (plus), I've been dealing with higher-than-my-usual levels of anxiety. I realize many of us have. It's been a difficult 19 months in the U.S. Besides the whole Covid-19 debacle, I'm also resetting my life due to moving to a new state and my husband having a stroke.

I'm taking care of myself. Using all the tools ... diet, meditation, writing, gratitude, puzzles etc. I've been in counseling. The bipolar syndrome I deal with is well-managed. But now and again, the anxiety peaks higher than I deal with comfortably. So I've been prescribed a new medicine to be used only at those peaks. I've had it for nearly three months now, but used it for the first time last weekend.

Yowsa. It works.

My brain did feel dopey, yes. That part lasted for a couple days and was an ... unusual ... feeling. Not something I want to experience very often. I doubt I'll have any urge to abuse this medicine because I'm not fond of that particular feeling. The remarkable thing for me was how "released" it made me feel. 

I'm a very responsible person. I often act like I'm responsible for more decisions than I actually am. I have super high standards for myself, and when I approach them, I reset the bar even higher. I'm tied to my task lists more than I like to admit. I have a horrible habit of kicking myself for not meeting my own expectations and then whining about it out loud. For the last several weeks I kept talking about "running away" so I could have a break from the junk weighing on me. But, you know, right now there is no place to run.

So, with Dale home to keep an eye on me, I took a pill.

I have never felt so free and relieved before.*

What is important and what isn't important became very clear. I actually rested and had no guilt for "doing nothing." Twice, I took a nap! A true rarity because I usually can't allow my brain to turn off for a while. The feelings were greatest the first day, but they've lasted for most of the week. I'm far less amped up, and much easier to be around in general ... including easier to be around my own self.

I don't have the urge to run away anymore.

One of the things that felt less important was writing a blog post here every day. So I've missed a few days. On purpose. 

I love this blog. I've had some version of it since the early days of the internet when I started CameoRoze's Stitcher's Studio, my website about needlework. Studio Window was created in 2007. It's a big part of my life. I use it as my digital scrapbook. I like to look back on my posts and see what I've accomplished and note how I've handled my life's big events.

Right now, though, there's a bit of "burden" to my daily posts. As Dale and I approach full retirement, I'm slowly releasing burdens.

So for a time, I'll write blog posts when I feel like it. Sometimes it will be daily. Or there might be days -- weeks? -- in between postings. I don't know. I'm making it up as I go along.

I feel a transition, and I'm going with it.

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*  Well, except, perhaps,

    when the judge told me in court

    that I no longer had to be the family trustee.

    That was life-changing.

    A "before-and-after" moment.