Awareness Leads to Gratitude

I've been going through an identity crisis of sorts. When I meet new people (well ... people new to me) and am asked "What do you do?" I don't quite know how to answer.

It used to be "Stay at home mom."
People can understand that. I chose to stay home and raise my kids, be available for PTA and take care of the laundry and dishes. Now my kids are mostly grown, I found PTA meetings a waste of time, and my routines make doing laundry and dishes a non-event. I'm way more than a mother. I refuse to be called "housewife." I love my home, but am not wed to it.

A week ago I tried "Volunteer."
But because most of my volunteer work happens online through charities that don't have a big names like Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity or United Way, that doesn't seem to register with people, either.

Last week I tried "Homemaker."
The man I was talking to asked, "You build homes?"
"No," I replied with patience. "I turn our house into a home."
Blank stare.

So I tried again, "I'm a needleworker."
Another blank stare. "I do quilting and embroidery that I donate to people who are less fortunate than me. Our group gave 100 quilts to the Food Bank last December." And he wondered what quilts have to do with people who need free food. I crochet hats for premature babies. Don't hospitals buy hats for them?

I've tried, "Trustee for a family educational trust."
That one is weird to say because the job, though real and important to my kids, nieces and nephews, doesn't take much time each month. But it will last years and years and years.

So how about these options? .....

"Heiress."
One of my sisters humorously tried that for a while. Didn't last long or go over too well. I don't need to work outside the home because of the nest egg my parents left me. I'm no Paris Hilton, but I also don't need to work in order to pay for college education for my kids. It just means I have a savings account with enough money to do some home improvements.

"Amateur Photographer."
Can you take pictures of my grandkids for me? Uh, I don't really take many pictures of people. I mostly like macro photography. Blank stare. Well ... have my pictures been published? Only on my website. Do I want to have them published? Eventually, maybe. Right now I'm just developing the habit of taking pictures daily and finding the nerve to show them to others. I have so much to learn about lighting and composition and equipment, modeling and product placement and all the other stuff real photographers need to know.

"Creative Pilgrim."
What the hell? To me, it means I'm one that seeks to find creative outlets for many kinds of artistic expression. Again, the main purpose is not creating an income.

"Spiritual Seeker."
Eye roll. Yet very important to me.

"Singer" or "Cantor" or "Music Minister."
I haven't done that in a while. My spiritual seeking led me away from church where I used to lead music regularly. I also used to love to sing at funerals (hated doing weddings). But that weirds people out when you say you'd prefer to be around dead people and grieving families than around a celebration of love. What they don't realize is that funerals are bigger celebrations of love than weddings are, and people are more real in grief than while putting on a show. There is a greater sense of ministry.

"Blogger."
What the devil is a blog? Well, if you're computer literate and reading this, you know. But that I spend time each day typing out personal tidbits for the world to see ... well, that makes no sense to most folks who prefer total privacy.

"Writer."
Again, most of my writing is through my blog, my journals, letters to friends, and information about needlework. Though long ago I had some poetry published, I don't write books and I don't write for newspapers, newsletters, or magazines. I enjoy writing step-by-step directions. Telling folks that doesn't make sense to them, either.

"Artist."
Oh, you paint? No. Draw? No. I work in needle, thread and textiles. I have the heart of an artist, but it sounds presumptuous to use that term for myself.

"Co-dependent" or "Survivor" or "Patient."
Thankfully, I no longer live with an alcoholic. He died, so I my identity is not tied up with him. And I'm way more than a victim of my past or my bodily functions ... or malfunctions.

"Progressive"
Too many people think that means a stinkin' left wing liberal. I may be that in part.
:: evil grin ::
But I'm more centrist than left politically. My progressive attitudes extend to other areas like church and intellectual pursuit and how my husband and I raise our children.

"Philanthropist."
I wish. Though I give of my time, treasure and talent to others, that word has connotations of bestowing huge amounts of money on others to help them have a leg up in this world. Think Bill Gates. I'm not that kind of philanthropist. Yet that is where my heart lies.

"Retired."
I'm only 50 years old. That sounds cheeky.

"Kept Woman."
I did a test drive on this, but my husband groaned. Methinks that didn't go over all that well.

This morning I considered "Jacqueline of Many Trades."
I doubt that will make any sense to people either. After all, I'm not a handyman ... er, woman.

So what does all this identity seeking have to do with the above phrase?

Looking at who I am — or how I try to describe myself — makes me extremely aware of how much I have in the way of talents and personal experiences and possessions and relationships, how much I've escaped in the way of unhealthy relationships and situations that were destructive to my spirit, and how much I have to be grateful for.

I am Margaret (in real life).
I am CameoRoze (online).
I am Mom (to my daughters).
I am lifelong learner.
I am human being.
I am spirit.

I still don't know what to tell people I meet so they can understand how I spend my time. I don't have a job that contributes to the family income, so I don't know what to say so others can put a value on me, that allows them to place me in a societal category.

:: snort ::
To the question, "What do you do?" maybe I should answer, in a seductive voice and with a single raised eyebrow,
"What do you want me to do?"

Eh.
That would open up a whole different can of worms.