Well, What Else CAN You Be?

This has been the bane of my existence.

I grew up as the 7th of 11 children. The youngest sister. I was told what to do not only by my parents, but by all those siblings that were born before me. Even with all my insistence that "You aren't the boss of me!", I didn't believe my own words. I knew they were the boss of me and I had very little personal power. My sweet little spirit could be easily bullied or crushed into tears.

Frankly, some of my siblings were brilliant. I wanted so much to be like them.

I was most often compared to the brother that's 2 years younger than me. He's another very smart sib. In addition, he's a very competitive spirit. It was extremely difficult for me to find and hold my place within the family, to have personal boundaries and learn to protect them while at the same time being accepted as part of the pack. It was a test to be an artistic and cooperative soul in the midst of so many competitive elbows jockeying for position and attention.

It was not easy for me to have the confidence to simply be who I am.

The weird thing is, it's even more difficult to shake the competition and comparisons. I'm now harder on myself than my sibs were on me ... or, at least I allow myself to let things fester for longer than my sibs tormented me. I still check to see if I 'measure up' to the standards (I perceive) they set.

Is my faith as grounded as Eleanore's? Am I as likable and quick-witted as Paul? Am I as smart and self-assured as Carl? Do I have a measure of David's quiet, intelligent humor? Can I teach the things I know how to do as well as Annette teaches her specialty to her classroom students? Do I have a practical and pragmatic side that can handle hard situations like Janet? Will Mark outshine my accomplishments and steal my spotlight? (For some reason, I don't feel the same sort of competition or need to compare myself with my 3 youngest brothers).

It took a lot of time and trial-and-error and awareness and help and empathy from my counselor to help me recognize and change some of these old mental tapes, these old belief systems. Though I am much improved, I still struggle with believing in my worth, being sure of the value I bring to those in my life.

Yet if I can stand back far enough ...
if I can be quiet enough ...
if I can listen to my sweet husband with enough trust ...
as I practice living in the present moment ...
there is no one to compare myself to ...
no one to compete with.

Our guest author is correct.

It's so much simpler to be who I am.