Well, What Else CAN You Be?

This has been the bane of my existence.

I grew up as the 7th of 11 children. The youngest sister. I was told what to do not only by my parents, but by all those siblings that were born before me. Even with all my insistence that "You aren't the boss of me!", I didn't believe my own words. I knew they were the boss of me and I had very little personal power. My sweet little spirit could be easily bullied or crushed into tears.

Frankly, some of my siblings were brilliant. I wanted so much to be like them.

I was most often compared to the brother that's 2 years younger than me. He's another very smart sib. In addition, he's a very competitive spirit. It was extremely difficult for me to find and hold my place within the family, to have personal boundaries and learn to protect them while at the same time being accepted as part of the pack. It was a test to be an artistic and cooperative soul in the midst of so many competitive elbows jockeying for position and attention.

It was not easy for me to have the confidence to simply be who I am.

The weird thing is, it's even more difficult to shake the competition and comparisons. I'm now harder on myself than my sibs were on me ... or, at least I allow myself to let things fester for longer than my sibs tormented me. I still check to see if I 'measure up' to the standards (I perceive) they set.

Is my faith as grounded as Eleanore's? Am I as likable and quick-witted as Paul? Am I as smart and self-assured as Carl? Do I have a measure of David's quiet, intelligent humor? Can I teach the things I know how to do as well as Annette teaches her specialty to her classroom students? Do I have a practical and pragmatic side that can handle hard situations like Janet? Will Mark outshine my accomplishments and steal my spotlight? (For some reason, I don't feel the same sort of competition or need to compare myself with my 3 youngest brothers).

It took a lot of time and trial-and-error and awareness and help and empathy from my counselor to help me recognize and change some of these old mental tapes, these old belief systems. Though I am much improved, I still struggle with believing in my worth, being sure of the value I bring to those in my life.

Yet if I can stand back far enough ...
if I can be quiet enough ...
if I can listen to my sweet husband with enough trust ...
as I practice living in the present moment ...
there is no one to compare myself to ...
no one to compete with.

Our guest author is correct.

It's so much simpler to be who I am.

A Day of Rest

Today, I literally spent most of my time at home. My sweet husband and I brought our laptops out to the dining room table and spent time working on our individual projects while bantering with one another, sending each other links to funny videos, and snacking on Chex Mix.

It was a very good way to spend a day ... getting things done, and enjoying each other's company.

More than being 'at home' at home, I long to be comfortable in my own skin in all situations. Sometimes I still get intimidated by folks I perceive to be on a higher social plane, or by folks with huge talents that I admire. I can still be a nervous ninny when I step too far out of my comfort zone.

But I'm getting better all the time, being sure of who I am, and meeting others from that secure point of view. I long to be at home wherever I find myself.

Old Fat Naked Women

My sister, the feminist activist, sent a link to this video.



It's so good, I had to share.

Hope

We got a big heaping helping of Hope on Tuesday.

Finally.

It's been a tough eight years of fear-based action and reaction.

Now, perhaps, our country can move forward with decisions based on Hope.

Yahoo!

Maybe It's NOT the Other Guy

So many times when I find myself pushing against the world because I want something done my way, I just don't get what I want.

Stupid world.

Stupid people.

Don't they know that everything would just go much more smoothly if they just listened to me and followed my directions? I'm very good at giving directions. In fact, I'm excellent at writing step-by-step directions! So why don't people just listen, read and follow??????

:: beat head against wall here ::

Then ... I get out my secret weapon. I ask my sweet husband for advice and shut up long enough to listen to it.

My sweet husband. He doesn't fight the world like I do. He finds ways to work within established systems, even if those systems don't meet his preferences.

[ ::snort:: Which is why he is good at living with ME ]

If I can shut up and listen. Ask questions. Debate. Consider. Stew a bit.

Well ... I can compromise or, yes, even change my mind.

Often, in doing that, the hard times don't seem so hard.

When I step back and watch objectively, I can see that people that know how to live in Plan B generally have much less angst. They don't have so many "should-a" and "have-ta" moments in their lives. They are more like water, flowing over and around rocks in a stream. Not like me.

A big old chunk of ice trying to get by without melting.

Paper Cuts

A while ago, my daughter introduced me to artist Peter Callesen.

He does amazing things that involve combining 2-D flat images with 3-D artwork made entirely of cut and formed paper. The detail exquisite.

His pieces are just stunning ... and very inspiring! There is both humor and poignancy in this art. And like all good art, it can inspire and provoke.

Just think about it. How can we use our medium of fabric and fiber to make a new-dimensional piece of art?

On My Desk - More Quilt Tops

If it's Wednesday, it's time for another installment of On My Desk

Today's desk? The work tables at Quilters

Most Wednesday mornings you'll find me at St. George's church, working with the Quilters. We have only about six more weeks to get a truckload of quilts ready to donate to our local food bank. Warm the tummies, warm the tootsies.

So today my buddy Susan and I laid out three more quilts. I forgot to get a snapshot of the first one. It was new for us because the focal fabric depicted the Jewish holidays.

Then we did this quilt that had three fabrics in very muted tones and the pop of yellow-orange for interest. Unfortunately, the photo doesn't do this justice. That yellow-orange was so vibrant against the other fabrics that the quilt almost pulsated.

Finally, we laid out this quiet holiday lap robe — just the right size to tuck around the knees of our elderly friends in wheelchairs at a local nursing facility.

I adore this focal fabric depicting a cold winter scene. It reminds me very much of the Palouse here in Idaho.

Talk to Yourself

One of the most beneficial things I learned how to do last year was to give my brain new food to chew on. With the help of this book, my computer's recording capabilities, and some concentrated time and effort considering what I wish the voices in my head were telling me, I've been able to recognize unhealthy thoughts and replace them with new messages.

What I did was write the new ideas and thoughts down. Then I recorded them digitally. Then I compiled them like a playlist. Then burned them to a CD and to my mp3 player.

The process takes time.

Plus, I had to get over the feeling that I was doing it *wrong* or that if anyone heard these things I'm telling myself, they'd think I was stupid or vain.

Then I had to make myself listen to the recording daily ... in the beginning, as often as three times a day.

As with any new skill, it takes persistence and patience to learn it. It has to become a habit, a routine. I had to replace old, unproductive habits and thoughts with new, healthy ones.

In a way, I suppose these daily phrases are just the same. I find them throughout the month, copy and paste them to a document (so read them twice in that process). In preparing them in advance, I pick from my list which I want to use, place them in a different document in alphabetical order, then turn them into an image (so read them again at least three times). Then I post one per day, reflect on it and write about it (so read it again at least twice).

So you dear blog friends get to read the quote once and, hopefully, snatch a bit of wisdom from it. But I've already drunk in the message at least seven times. It's a message to both me and others.

A Step in the Wrong Direction

If I'm not making mistakes, I'm taking life too safely.

We all make 'em. The trick is trying to learn from them, use them to inform our lives, to live differently as we go forward.

It's in the Numbers

The law of averages, right? Try enough things, some will work, some won't. The bad ideas may be real stinkers. Here's hoping they don't linger.

The good ideas that work? Staying power!

So have LOTS of ideas. The more you try things, the better you get at trying them. The better you get, the more likely some of those ideas will be winners.

Sunday Secrets: Nov 02, 2008

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I find it to be an amazing sociological experiment. It was quite a bonanza on the site this week. Six secrets were familiar or caused a dramatic reaction:

Indeed it is! Eight years ago, my heart sank when the ultra conservative administration was elected. I thought the country had gone mad with fear. Now, finally, new hope is flowing in.


This sickens me. Not that the secret holder is a supporter of gay marriage, but that the secret holder does not believe in the democratic process enough to trust that ALL the people's voices need to be heard. I'm appalled that the votes would not make it to the ballot box.

Always. Doesn't everyone?

Aye-aye-aye.

Amen.

Yikes! Not THAT kind of goofball!
*
or ...

Like Polo and Lindbergh

I doubt my name will go down in the annals of history like Marco Polo or Charles Lindbergh. I am not one to do great things in the eyes of the world. I so admire those that take the risks and go against the grain, then accomplish great things.

So instead, I blog. My tenuous steps into bravery come in revealing little bits of myself through my writing, burp out my philosophy of life and my questions about my own existence a morsel at a time.

When I began this blog, I didn't know I'd share of myself this way. I thought I'd just show of what I do, not who I am.

But is it possible to do one without the other? Hmmm. Not inside this skin.

Putting fingers to keyboard every day, showing my needlework, my photos ... even my cooking triumphs ... is my own way of crawling down the cliff, holding on to scrub branches and rocks as I scrape my way down.

I wonder ... what would it be like to jump and fly and figure it out as I go? That sounds like "Plan B" on steroids. It sounds much less controlled than where my comfort zone snoozes.

I do like that image, though. Jumping off the edge of the cliff and building wings on the way down. Is it bravery? Or foolhardy? Is it exploration? Or a near-death experience?

Either way, there'd be a lot of endorphins available to flood my brain.

That alone makes it enticing.

Clean 'em Up & Clear 'em Out

I'm on a mission.

I spent the majority of today with my blog reader. Ever since I went back to Connecticut in August, my blog reader has been piling up with unread posts. I was starting to feel like I was drowning.

So today I put some concentrated effort into reading the posts I wanted to read, discarding the posts I'd never get around to reading, and purging my subscription list to keep only those blogs I enjoy most. I feel so much lighter!

Now, I'm moving on to my e-mail box. I'm deleting old e-mails I've never read, unsubscribing from company newsletters, paring down my address book, finding the important e-mails I want to answer. So far, I've only scratched the surface. Perhaps I can make time tomorrow to make a much bigger dent.

There is just so much information out there that I'm interested in that it's hard to not be a glutton for it. I get inspired by these creative women who design and sew and stitch and sell their wares. I enjoy entering sweepstakes online. I like knowing about new products and services. I want to get in on the sales.

But a person can absorb only so much.

The same goes for stuff around the house. In the last week I was able to freecycle 8 dining room chairs, two recliners, a pair of closet doors, a chandelier and a yogurt maker! All these usable-but-not-needed things sitting around our home are now out the door and into the hands of folks that want them.

It feels good to purge. It clears the way for air and ideas to flow. It takes effort, it takes time, and it takes a willingness to release things we once craved. Yet once the flow of purging begins, it feels so good that I look for more areas that can use some breathing space.

I like this feeling of stripping down.
;D

When Fear Rears Its Ugly Head

I find this difficult ... to allow that energy to push me forward instead of holding me back.

Some days, I can face the dragons.

Other days, I'd rather hide, safe in my cave.

'Tis a Gift

The gift of living in a country where I can vote for my elected officials (early!)

The gift of being remembered by an old college classmate ... receiving a compliment from her

The gift of spending time with my daughter at her college ... taking her out to eat ... grocery shopping with her ... laughing ... cuddling

The gift of being back home and welcomed by my sweet husband ... cuddling

The gift of homemade soup and warm crusty bread for dinner

Pet ... Pet ... Pet ...

The other day I was listening to a podcast that was a compilation of a number of clips from previous radio shows that this one woman hosted. It was more or less a radio version of a book of essays that a columnist might put together into a book.

Anyway, she played one clip from a radio show that she did soon after 9-11. There was so much sorrow and bad news at the time that she wanted to do something different, something that might soothe her listener's souls.

So she asked some musician friends what kind of music they think would be good for the soul. Beethoven's Ode to Joy was suggested, and played.

As I listened, I started to weep. It had been so very long since I allowed myself the gift of extremely fine music that I'd forgotten the effect it can have on my soul.

When I told my sweet husband about my experience later in the day, even his eyes welled up.

Most times when I need to nurture and soothe myself, I turn to my stitching. It can be actual stitching, or it can be browsing through my pattern library, or it can be petting my fabrics. Every time I to go Wal-Mart, I have to at least walk through the craft section, even if I don't window shop or buy. There's something about being in proximity to the elements of creativity that oozes through my skin and helps me feel better.

Other times, I write. Except for this blog, I haven't been writing much lately. Maybe it's time to give myself that treat again.

The other day I went to the public library and sought out a couple books by P. G. Wodehouse. My mom introduced me to that humor a l-o-n-g time ago. I thought it might be a healthy choice for me to have some light reading. What was also healthy for me was to walk up and down the aisles of books in a library again.

I like to think of this kind of self-nurture as Guiltless Pleasures. Perhaps it's time to pick up my camera again and record a series of photos of guiltless pleasures.

I plan to have at least five today:

1. Spending time with the Quilters this morning
2. Voting
   
3. Listening to an audio book as I drive south to Moscow
4. Spending time with my daughter and taking her out to dinner
5. Attending a book reading by an author who shared literature classes with me in college

If you do something to nurture yourself today, leave a comment and let me know.

I'll try some of yours if you try some of mine!
;-)

Gut Feelings

That inner voice ...

I have a hard time grasping it when it's mumbling.

Sometimes I have to get awfully quiet to hear its whispers.

I try to pay attention to it, to follow its lead.

I love it when I do follow, and it pays off.

Too often, I become swayed by the opinions of those around me and give in to something I think is just wrong for my family. (Ask my oldest daughter sometime about getting a Nintendo ... I gave in to the pressure of my sister's advice).

:: sigh ::

Instincts, huh?

Gut.
Inner voice.
Instincts.
My own judgment.

Adults seem to know how to trust these things.

Me? I'm still learning.

Affirm

This tactic sure works on me!

Tell me I'm capable, I become so.

Tell me I have a great smile and give off lots of light, I smile and glow more.

Tell me I'm a good writer or photographer, I'll write more and take more pictures -- and take more risks while doing so.

Tell me that what I have to share makes a difference in your life, I'll share more.

Tell me you love me, I'll love you more.

Hush, Now ...

:: whispering ::
OK.
:: zipping lips ::

Sunday Secrets: Oct 26, 2008

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I find it to be an amazing sociological experiment. These two secrets resonated with me this week:

Well, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if this happened within our family. I was one of the few that never tried drugs at all. The 'goody-goody.'
I wear that title proudly.


I prayed over the checks from my parents' estate before I sent them out to the heirs.