This I Believe

I've recently been introduced to the public radio broadcast This I Believe. Ordinary people read their short essays about what it is they believe about life, about faith, about God. I'm taking quite a shine to the program.

It used to be so easy for me. I grew up Catholic. I took my religion seriously. I took my faith seriously. I even devoted one full year to the Church as a volunteer campus minister the year after I graduated from college. That year alone should have been enough to shake my faith.

But I kept believing in that church I grew up in. I embraced the changes brought on by Vatican II. I believed we, the people, ARE the church. We take responsibility for our faith. We question. We seek. We learn. We serve. We do not need to be spoon fed and belch back the words of our leaders. We have minds of our own. We live by our own consciences.

I kept believing in the ways of the Catholic church even when going through the whole divorce and annulment process. I kept believing enough to find my true husband via contacts made in our religious education program.

And now, though my faith in God remains strong, my faith in the Church has been shaken mightily. Though I believe in the core values learned through Christianity, I'm not so sure about the practices of Christian religions.

The way religiosity has infiltrated politics and the way politics infiltrated the workings of the Church really got me questioning, turned me off. One of the last straws, though, was the whole priest pedophile scandal. It wasn't so much that a minority of priests were being so horrible to children. That sucks, but is part of all society. The part that rankled me was that we, the people the church, the very ones that were the victims, were then asked to sacrifice and pay for the damages done by the few leaders.

That, among other more personal injuries that questioned my lay ministry work, is what has kept me away from church services for several years now. It just wasn't worth it to me to go to church wanting to serve and worship, and leaving each weekend feeling dirty, used and angry.

I now find other ways to live out my faith values and give thanks to God who has blessed me so thoroughly.

That's where This I Believe comes in. In listening to the ideas and faith triumphs and struggles of others, it helps me see where I agree, where I disagree, where life has taught me lessons other than those of these voices. It helps expand the horizons of my mind, my understanding. Like the Sunday Secrets, it gives me a glimpse into the lives of my fellow human beings. It helps me retain and grow my compassion for others.

Church is still important to me. I go to St. George's weekly to help make quilts that are donated to needy families. I love the spirit of the women in that group. But the Sunday services still don't work for me. I hope that one day I will find a church community to call home again. Until that time, I trust that God will continue to whisper in my ear and lead me to use my talents and abilities to continue building his kingdom.