Revealing Secrets

I did something a little bit brave today.

I told a relative stranger two secrets about me.

You all know how I love reading other people's secrets. How I'm a bit of a voyeur. How I like to peek through the windows of other people's minds to query how they think, find out what is important to them, how they live between their ears, what things they try to hide from the world, from themselves. I like to see if the secrets other people hold are the same kinds of secrets I hold.

Well, today, over on Facebook, I told a former high school classmate of mine a couple of secrets. (No, I'm not going to reveal them here ... they wouldn't be secrets any more!)

The first is a secret desire. It's not life-altering or deviant or anything. It's just something I'd like to do in the next four years that I've considered doing since I was a teenager. I voiced it aloud to my husband for the first time last night. I told my classmate about it this afternoon. It's just a little bit naughty. Something middle-aged married women usually keep to themselves.

The second secret. Well.
:: cough cough ::

The second secret is BIG ... at least to me. It's about something that happened in my past. Something I'm not too proud of. Something that took over 30 years to come to terms with. I've told a couple of my sisters. My best girlfriend. My Ex. My sweet husband. My counselor. And one trusted sweet friend from high school. That friend is actually the one that helped me find resolution.

So now that the situation is resolved, I don't have to hold the secret so close. Oh, it's still a tender spot in my psyche. When I shared the secret today, I didn't tell my classmate the details. But it's as if ... as if I'm trying it on for size. These words. This secret. I'm testing the carefully chosen language on my tongue (on my keyboard) to see if I dare say this louder than a whisper, louder than a sigh. I'm testing to see if the words still hold the power of a falling hammer over my head.

So, I told a relative stranger my secret today. I have no response yet. But I'm sitting with the knowledge that this secret is now out ... and so far, I'm OK with it.

The sweet friend that helped me through the situation is like the above quote. We found something filling us with tenderness and ache that connected us. We did have some similar wounds. We sought each other out. We helped each other resolve an issue or two.

But why I chose this former classmate today, this Facebook friend, this relative stranger, is yet to be revealed. Perhaps I recognized something in this person that doesn't yet have a name. That is part of the mystery yet to unfold.

-*-

Oh. By the way. I now know what secret I'll write down and send in on a post card. It's not heart-wrenching. It's fun!