I'm Still Standing

I woke up from a dream this morning in which I'd lost a chance to participate in a singing competition because I wasn't prepared. I didn't know how to go about entering it. No one coached me.

That situation actually happened to me in college. In my groggy morning brain, I realized that was 2/3 of my life ago. The opportunity for me to compete is long gone. My voice is not what it used to be.

Unfortunately, my brain went in a downward spiral from there. What else had I missed out in my college years?

I looked up a few old boyfriends online. (of course) This is how an unbalanced brain works. One summer love died of a heart attack. The mostly-letters girlfriends-in-two-states relationship presented a case before the California Supreme Court last week. A third (the first of six who asked me to marry him) moved to Texas and, apparently, still can't hold a job long term. He also still has a crass sense of humor.

It took several hours, two movies, a big bowl of popcorn, a long walk, three podcasts, a haircut, and a shower before I came back into my own. I learned a lot of tough lessons from those men when we were 20 something. I kissed a lot of frogs. I learned I wanted to be valued and cared for. I craved honesty. I wanted to be 1st on someone's list. Not second choice. Not cheated on. Not a booby prize. That's how these relationships ended.

I wanted to be a partner. I wanted to be respected. I needed humor, not drama.

Then I ended up with this gentle giant of a man who is kind, smart, funny, compassionate and steadfast. We are so different on so many levels. Yet we make sense as an *us*.

Did I dodge bullets? Perhaps. I'm still standing, and by the side of the best guy for me.